Self Examination

So I have been sitting here debating on if I wanted to write anything and it's like the words just won't come out. I usually write a poem or something and that expresses how I feel, but right now I am feeling some kind of way and rhyming words just won't do this time.
I am so upset, frustrated, and confused and I need someone to help me understand. Men say women are impossible to understand and women say the same about them. So my question is, what makes people so impossible to figure out. Why do people think the way they do? Why do people act the way they do.
I will share something personal. I started "dating" a guy who I had been friends with for about 10 years. We were on the track to a possible serious relationship when all of a sudden he backed away and not too long after he tore me down and cut me out of his life. I later find out from a friend of his that he was upset I had given this friend my phone number. I saw no wrong in it considering he had decided he was not wanting a relationship or anything. Finally some months or so later we talk and he tells me that he found out he had a child he didn't know about and he just wanted to cut the whole world off. He hurt me the way he did because he really cared about me and liked me and he wanted me to go find someone who I deserved and not wait around for him.
That was in a nutshell but all I can say to that is WTF! Does that make sense? If you cared about me then why not let me be there for you. Why belittle me and make me feel like crap and then tell me it is because you cared about me. How screwed up is that? Where does this thinking come from, and why do I let it bother me? I am supposed to be on the path God has for me and it's like nonsense like this comes along and suddenly I'm off the path.
Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to be needed. Everyone wants to be cared about. But I am starting to feel like it is more trouble than it's worth. I just don't know anymore and that is what scares me because I feel like uncertainty indicates a lack of faith and a lack of trust in God. I am trusting God to lead me and guide me, or so I say. But now I have to really look at my heart and see am I really allowing Him to lead me? Or am I trying to do it myself? Self examination. Painful... But oh so necessary.

Guess You Chose 2nd Place

Did I mean so little to you that you can so easily remove me from your life?

I mean I thought we were good friends, I love you, but I wasn't trying to suddenly be your wife.

I thought we had a connection. We shared something real.

And now you just walk away leaving me confused on how to feel.

I have no clue what I did so wrong. I've tried but a reason I just can't see.

You know, but won't tell me, and you just act like you hate me.

My heart is broken. My tears won't stop pouring from my eyes.

I'm trying so hard to get you to understand, but you turn a deaf ear to my cries.

But, it's cool. I'll be okay.

I refuse to give you control over me now or any other day.

It's your loss because I am definitely a prize for any man and one day you will see.

I just hope it's not too late when you finally realize what you could have had in me.

V On Paper

When did being a sensitive person turn into something bad?
What was once a good thing now leaves me feeling hurt and sad.
Does anyone ever think before they speak anymore these days?
I am going to assume no considering peoples words have hurt my heart many different ways.
I used to accept that I was too sensitive, too touchy, and simply taking things to heart.
But, now I see there is nothing wrong with my feelings or heart other than the fact that I keep allowing others to tear them apart.
So how do I break this cycle of what seems to be endless and constant pain?
My tears seem to flow regularly on their own and I want to hide them from everyone, but since my life isn't a movie, I can't just go cry in the rain.
But wait, why should I be the one to do something? Why should I change who I am inside?
God gave me this loving and sensitive heart to do His will and that's something I can't hide.
I just wish for once people would stop and consider the impact their actions and words may have on another.
I'm not saying walk on eggshells around me, but remember what is funny or no big deal to one, may be heartbreaking to the other.
I'm always afraid to speak up and just say hey, you hurt me, or hey this is how you made me feel.
I've been called super sensitive and crybaby so long its like what I feel just isn't real.
I'm not allowed to hurt when you talk about my weight, my skin color, or especially my hair.
Tell you it hurt when you criticized my parenting, laughed at my schoolwork, or my singing, I just wouldn't dare.
If I say I feel left out, I feel alone, or even I feel replaced, my feelings get brushed off and pushed aside.
Meanwhile another piece of my heart has broken and something inside me has died.
Don't mistake my pain for a lack of faith in the Lord above.
Just because I have Him on my side doesn't mean what you say and do does not hurt, but it means I keep pressing on because of His undying love.
The words never seem to want to come out of my mouth, so I put them on paper and set all my emotions free.
At least on paper I am always respected, appreciated, and loved no matter how much I cry. At least on paper it is okay to just be 100% me.

Plug In Your Pain

I'm so tired and my head is so full. I'm trying so hard to follow God's path for me but there's just so much bull!
I don't wanna lose my focus, I don't wanna lose my way, but I also don't want to deal with this pain another day.
I have no one to talk to and I'm walking on eggshells trying to hide what I feel. I want to just let everything out but I can't even decipher what's real.
People say stuff that I'm sure is meant to be comforting and sweet. But it just reminds me how much I hurt and how close I am to admitting defeat.
Give it to God, just let it go. That is harder to do than you could ever truly know.
I have become a new me, but not in a good way. I am a shell of who I used to be but praying to feel normal again one day.
Who am I kidding, I can never be the same. But I do want to be whole, in Jesus' name.
I want to let go, trust, heal, and be free!
I want to be the me God has called me to be!
I'm going to get there one day, I pray it be sooner than later. I won't give up on God's plan for me by admitting defeat just because Satan's a hater.
I can make it; I will make it; I must make it. Because He said so.
I can't see how at this point, but He gave Phillipians 4:13 in His word and that's all I need to know.


(everyone has or has had a pain that they try to hide. A pain that seems like it's taking over and you don't know how to make it end, or how you can let it go, or how you can move on. Remember I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!!!!)

Murder In The First Degree

I'm putting myself through torture wondering about what's going on in your life.
But why should I care? You made the decision to get rid of me as your wife.
I guess just because your forever meant only until something better caught your eye,
doesn't mean i didn't mean it when I said I will love you until we die.
You were my world and I gave you my all but I guess that's where I went wrong.
I put you in a place in my life where only God should belong.
I have grown and readily and willingly admit my mistakes.
But what about you? You act like you're so great. I say bull, it's all fake.
If you were such a great man you wouldn't have broken me down the way you did.
If you were such a great man you wouldn't have made me feel like dirt that I couldn't give you a kid.
If you were such a great man you wouldn't continue to say that what you did was not wrong.
If you were such a great man you wouldn't have let this charade go on for so long.
I am so tired of hurting and I just want to let go.
But part of me can't because there is so much I need to know.
What was so awful about me that you had to hurt me in such a terrible way.
What was so awful about me that you watched my heart break and had nothing to say?
What did I do? What did I say?
Why would you just throw our love away.
How can you ignore all my pleas for you to just hear me out .
How can you ignore my attempts to talk without even knowing what its about.
How could you have moved on so easily as if I didn't mean a damn thing to you?
How could you say God gave you his approval? That's some bull too!
How can you not miss me, or hurt even a little inside.
How could you walk away and not care that when you did a very large part of me died?

Why Won't You Love Me Back?

When I first saw you, it was love at first sight. my heart leapt and immediately I wanted to love you with all of my might.

But it seems that that love is only one sided. You saw me and turned the other way. That broke my heart and I just cannot hide it.

But I am holding on to the hope that one day you will love me too. And I am continuously trying to show my unconditional love for you.

I said, if you call me I'll answer, no matter the day, time, or reason, I'm there. It seems you only call me when you want something from me, but I love you so much, I don't even care.

I wrote you a love letter, but I watched you glance at a few lines and then toss it on the table as though you did not care. I gave you several beautiful plants and flowers, but you never seem to have time to enjoy their beauty. I don't think you even notice that they're there.

I asked you to sit and enjoy a sunrise or sunset with me, but you can't seem to make time for me on your list of things to do. I provided you with everything you need and even said tell me what your heart desires and I'll give you that too.

I promised you riches beyond what you could ever imagine. I told you I have gold, mansions, and plenty of food, and I said they're yours, you can have them.

All of this and still you won't love me. So, I have to assume it's because there's someone else who has your heart. I've tried so hard to prove my love to you but you reject me and it's tearing me apart.

So I decided to try one more time to prove how much I love you, and once I tell you what I did for you, I am sure you will love me too.

I let these people beat me, talk about me, and spit on me too. They put thorns in my head and vinegar on my lips, but I let them because I wanted you to know I love you.

I let them hang me up on wood by my arms and feet. I let them mock me and ridicule me, but I love you so much, I just couldn't admit defeat.

They drove nails in me and even stabbed me in my side. But I didn't say a word. I just thought, now I know you'll love me. And then, just for you, I hung my head and died.

I Am Free

Silence has surrounded me for so long because I've bit my tongue and held my true feelings in.
But I am silent no more. I'm releasing my pain. God has set me free from the hurt caused by your sin.

I put your opinion of me before God's and now I see that's what was tearing me apart.
I walked on eggshells and held things in out of concern for your heart.

I began to follow your example which led me down a path of lying, cheating and corruption.
It is only now I see following you had me headed straight for destruction.

How many times have I beat myself up after one of your attempts to make me feel guilty?
How many times did I have my happiness shattered because you took your bad mood out on me?

I have felt guilty, dirty, ashamed and unworthy for so very long.
But now I see I am not a horrible person and you were the one who was wrong.

I am free from the guilt of keeping your secrets and lies.
I am free from being hurt and trying to smile for disguise.

I am free and it feels so good inside.
My smile is genuine and not just a cover for the pain i wish to hide.

Your actions no longer have a hold on me.
Thanks be to God. I am set free!

Make Up Your Mind!

So, screaming definitely sounds like an option. Maybe even throwing in a cuss word or two.

There is some kind of emotion pent up inside of me, but I'm not sure what it is, so I don't know what to do.

I think I'm mad at you. I might even hate you. No, wait, maybe I miss you. Yea, I'm pretty sure I love you.

Ugh! Just looking at you annoys me. Go away! Sigh... So maybe I miss you just a little bit after all.

I want you out of my life forever. Lose my number. Disappear. Man, it's been awhile, I can't even get a phone call?

My heart breaks every time I see you. I want to run away and cry. Man, if I don't quit trying to sneak a peak, I may trip and fall.

Emotions are funny and confusing, and mine are all out of whack.

I've tried figuring them out, but apparently that is one skill I lack.

Yea, I said I wanted you out of my life forever. So what? How could you think that meant I'd never want you to come back?

So It's My Fault?

Am I at fault because you chose not to see the worth that I possess?

Am I wrong because you let me go only to settle for second best?

Is it my fault that I gave you all of me and you chose to walk away?

Am I the one who is wrong, when you told me not to beg you to stay?

Don't call me when you miss me because it is too late.

Don't try to say I'm sorry because you sealed your own fate.

I am restored in Christ now so what more can you say?

HE is giving me back the joy you stole from me and I grow stronger every day.

Re-Write your Ending

So this is how the story ends? The one where girl meets boy?
See in the beginning boy promised to love girl but I guess she was really just his toy.
Boy said all the right things to get her to fall in love, but it was only a trap.
Girl gave him her body, he got his, and yea, you guessed it, it was a wrap.
Suddenly the boys entire demeanor changed as he no longer had use for girl.
Meanwhile girl wonders what she did so wrong. His silence has crushed her world.
But then one day boy realizes he needs someone to satisfy his craving so he calls girl again.
Girl is so excited to hear from him that she completely forgets the pain caused by his past sin.
Soon she is locked in passion with him once more, hoping this time he will stay.
She does everything she can to keep him, and vows this time she won't let him get away.
But not even days later boy cuts all ties with girl, this time crushing her verbally.
By the time he tears into her, she has lost all sense of her worth and is damaged mentally and emotionally.
She doesn't understand what she did to deserve this mistreatment and damage to her heart.
It's happened so many times before, she should have recognized his game from the start.
Baby I promise I'll love you. Baby I'll never do you wrong. That was music to her ears.
I'll help you heal from what that last guy did. Yea, now he's eliminated her fears.
Baby talk to me, I'll listen. Use my shoulder to lean on. Now he's torn down her walls.
That was good, thanks baby. And now he ignores her calls.

Stop being a victim to the lies and deceit of man.
This doesn't have to be your ending. If you want to change it, you can.
Know your value and recognize that you are a child of King.
Stop giving your goodies away until that man walks down the aisle and gives you a ring.
So what if you've done it before. It's not too late to repent and save it for the one God has for you.
Stop letting him tell you if you are going to be with him, this is what you have to do.
Your body is a temple, hand-crafted by God himself, and made to be treated with respect and love and care.
How can you expect anyone to respect you when you allow any and everyone to go there?
Learn to put God first and love yourself before you let anyone else in.
Because it is only then that you can play this game called love and truly expect to win.

Get Your Definitions Right

What exactly does a promise mean to you?

What exactly do you mean when you say "to you I'll always be true?"

What exactly do you mean when you look me in my eyes and say I'm the only one for you?

What exactly does me and you forever mean to you?

What exactly did you mean by let me share my life with you?

What exactly did you mean when you asked me if I'd say I do?

I ask what you mean because obviously we have different definitions or something.

I thought the ring meant we were to be married. But you thought it meant keep me on a leash while you continue to do your thing.

I thought I promise meant you have my word that I'll do what I say.

But you thought it meant I'll do whatever I happen to feel like today.

I thought being true meant committed only to you.

But you thought it meant to me, and her, and yea, her too.

I thought forever meant our whole life long.

But you thought it meant just until something "better" comes along.

I thought sharing our life meant laughter, love, time, and happiness.

But you thought it meant being worried I would find your dirt so going through my phone being petty so you can act pissed.

I thought preparing to say I do meant joining as one in covenant with God for all our loved ones to see and rejoice.

But apparently you thought it meant a chance to do your dirt but shut me up and be in control of me so I have no voice.

Well, I guess I should clear things up so that we're on the same page here.

You have no more control over me and I'm done letting you steal my joy and causing me to live in fear.

You are not worth another moment of my time or another tear from my eye.

My only thoughts of you now are when I pray that you get right with God before you die.

You see, my value is obviously more than you can afford and my worth too much for you to see.

Yes it may hurt for awhile after I let you go, but broke down is something I will never be.

My Father has sent me a comforter and HE can hold me close when I am sad.

HE even wraps HIS arms around me to give me peace when I am mad.

HE doesn't lie to me or make me doubt myself like you did everyday.

HE whispers to me, you are loved, you are favored, and blessed in every way.

So you see HE is enough until my right one comes along.

And in case you are confused, let me tell you, it's not you, you're all wrong.

So I hope we are on the same page now, but just in case, let me make things very clear.

I don't want you. It's over. We're done. No more you and me. Bounce. Holla. Move on. Buh-bye dear!

Best of Luck

Okay. This has gone on long enough. It's time to put a stop to it once and for all.
You are playing games with my heart, and I am tired of sitting here just waiting for your call.
You are shattering my heart into a million pieces and you don't even seem to care.
It's like whenever I need you to step up and be there for me, I can't find you anywhere.
So it's time to just let it go and stop holding on to the hope of something that will never be.
I am taking my heart back from you because it is obvious you don't want to love me.
You want me when it's time to get it in at night.
Yea when we're gettin down everything is alright.
But the minute the sun comes up and we start a new day,
Suddenly the love is gone and I can barely get you to call me just to say hey.
How can you treat me like that? Weren't we friends before lovers?
Is that what it is? We crossed the line and now you treat me with the same disrespect as all the others?
Well I let you beat me down and make me think I wasn't lovable or worth a damn thing.
But I know that just can't be true and one day this Queen will have her King.
Yes, you used me and that is something I can't take back no matter what I do.
But I can say this, I am wiser now and never again will I fall for a man like you.
A man who doesn't know his own worth so he has to strip me of mine.
A man who makes me think I'm lucky to get what I get because there are so many other girls who want him just waiting in line.
Well gone are the days of thinking I am the lucky one.
You were BLESSED to have me baby, but those days are done.
Good luck finding someone else to love you the way I used to.
Good luck finding someone else to be your best friend and lover too.
Good luck finding someone else who puts God first and always asks Him for guidance on how to be the best just for you.
Good luck finding someone who is willing to put you second only to God and give their all to you.
I wish you the best of luck baby, really I do. You say replacement comes easy.
But I know you will never find another better than me. Keep searching, you'll see.