My Weight Loss Journey Starts NOW

I am sitting here at work TRYING to focus on all of these mini projects I have and just be productive, and I am sitting here starving because all I had for breakfast was a breakfast pastry and a Speedway Coffee. But, I don't want to eat anything else because I need to lose some weight. I keep looking down at my outfit and I feel disgusted by the way it fits. I have been half heartedly trying to workout and make some dietary changes to lose the weight. Obviously, I need to step it up and go ahead and put the work in. I don't feel very motivated to do so. In fact, I really feel some type of way today and I can't put my finger on it. I don't quite have an attitude, but almost. I am not really sad or depressed, but almost. I just feel heavy. And the second I acknowledged the feeling, God got me together!

Why am I heavy? Because I am spiritually weak. I want to lose all of this "weight" that is making me feel heavy. Depression adds a few pounds. Worry goes straight to my hips. ;) Frustration adds another pound. Lack of faith adds some more. I am trying to carry all of these burdens around, but all they're doing is wieghing me down. I thought lifting weights made you stronger! God had an answer for that too. I am lifting the wrong thing. I just keep picking these problems up OVER and OVER. What I need to be lifting is my word. What I need to be lifting is my prayer life. What I need to be lifting is my fellowship. Right now, I could not "leg press" (meaning walk in) the entire book of Philippians and it is only 4 chapters. Sure, I can quote a few scriptures. Sure, I go to church. Sure, I sing. Sure, I am at Bible Study. Sure, I serve in several other ministries. But, I have been doing all that attending and serving half heartedly. I cannot serve with my whole self because I am so weighed down with worldly JUNK! So, now it is time for me to go ALL IN!!!

I keep "forgetting" that my physical life is very much attached to my spiritual life. How can I be motivated to get off of my butt and work out if I am not motivated to get right on the inside? I truly believe my physical appearance is an outward reflection of my spiritual appearance. And, if I am not spiritually healthy it will show. When I start feeling sad I am filling myself with ice cream and junk (literally) instead of the word! I can look back over my life and say that where I am spiritually is amazing compared to where I was. I AM in my word. I DO have faith in God. I AM growing. BUT! it is just not enough. Why? Because God is taking me to a new level. He is growing me and pushing me towards my purpose in his kingdom, and that means my "weight lifting" has to increase. I cannot start working out and grow and then expect to see more results doing the same workout routine. No, it is time to add some more "good" weight. Spend a little more time in the gym. Work a little bit more with the trainer.

I am ready to drop the "bad" weight and pick up the good! I bet I'll be benchpressing the Book of Psalms in no time! ;)

Who am I these days?

Who am I these days? Have you ever asked yourself that question? It's like, there are so many changes we go through everyday, how is it possible to know who we are from day to day? We change our clothes, our minds, our hair, our diet, our relationships, but what triggers these changes? I think there is this underlying desire to be better than we are. What differs is the force that drives that desire. Some people are driven by greed and/or jealousy and so they try to achieve this look that makes others think they are more than what they really are. They're in debt trying to buy the latest namebrands and the fanciest vehicle. They end an amazing relationship because their mate doesn't have the right look or calls them out on the ridiculous attitude changes they've made. They lay aside things they used to believe in just to fit in. Just to put up a front of an image, and somewhere in there they lose who they are. I was that person, but thank God for change and growth. I am now driven by God. My desire to do better and be more comes from my desire to be more like Christ. This may seem like a silly testimony, but it's VERY real. I used to wear wigs and weaves all the time. Originally it was due to hairloss from chemotherapy. But once that was over I continued wearing them because I liked to switch my look up. I later came to realize the hair had become a crutch and a mask for me. I HATED what I saw whenever I looked in the mirror and I was uncomfortable with myself. I blamed it on my face, my features, even my complexion. The hair gave me a cover and suddenly I was okay with my looks. But very recently I had to be honest with myself. My discomfort and disgust when I looked in the mirror had little to do with my hair and physical features, and EVERYTHING to do with my ugly spiritual self. I hated my reflection because I had no clue who I was! Who was this ugly woman living a life of sin? Who was this ugly woman with a tongue that slayed everyone she met? Who was this woman with deceit in her eyes and lies on her lips? Surely that wasn't me! I'm a woman of God. A virtuous woman. A loving and truthful and honorable woman. A friend to all and enemy to none. A heart of gold with a pleasant song always on my lips right? Ha! Time to get real! So I let go of the mask that was my hair. I am proud to show the natural beauty of Gods creation. I am working to shed the extra pounds that are tell-tell signs of my gluttony. Gone are the lies behind my eyes. Now they shine with joy, love, kindness and empathy. No longer does my tongue assassinate others. Instead it speaks life and tells of the goodness of God! So today when I look in the mirror and say who am I today, my answer is the same as yesterdays. I am a Queen. A child of the most high. Friend of the holy one. I am chosen. I am everything HE says I am. And tomorrow when I look and ask the same question, you can bet my answer will be the same!

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Fresh Start

Well, it has literally been over a year since I have posted anything on here. It is funny how things can change so much, and yet they remain the same (I'll save that for another day). I am starting a new journey. A journey of self-examination and self-discovery. A journey of embarking on a closer walk in Christ. A journey of working towards being the best me I can be. A journey of being all that HE says I am! My business cards and little motivational notes around home and the office all boldly read "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!" Philippians 4:13... And yet I am constantly saying I can't do something. I want to write a certain way, oh but I can't because... I want to start a business, oh but I can't because... I want to get a certain job, oh but I can't because.... If that is where my mind stays, then I am absolutely correct, I can't! But if I am going to display that I can do ALL things, it is time for me to walk in it, and bay-bee you better believe I am walking. It is time for Lady V to make some SERIOUS changes!

In the past my blogs have been poems or just random vents. Well in the last year I would like to think I have matured a bit. There are a lot of things I encounter on a daily basis that I wish to speak on, and now I have a place to do it. Poetry is still, and I am sure will always be, my passion and main reason for blogging, but my content has matured.

I have started a journey of growing my hair out natural. I don't blog about it like everyone else because it is not this big life changing spiritual journey where I am shunning the stereotypes etc. etc. I just wanted something new, and I wanted to let my hair grow out as healthy as possible. Nothing terribly exciting. Same as my weight loss journey. I don't have 500 pounds to lose or anything. I have a gut from pregnancy and I am severely out of shape. No major journey here. But why share this with you if it's no big deal? Because ALL of it is a part of my walk with Christ. How? Read on.... ;)

Lady V

Self Examination

So I have been sitting here debating on if I wanted to write anything and it's like the words just won't come out. I usually write a poem or something and that expresses how I feel, but right now I am feeling some kind of way and rhyming words just won't do this time.
I am so upset, frustrated, and confused and I need someone to help me understand. Men say women are impossible to understand and women say the same about them. So my question is, what makes people so impossible to figure out. Why do people think the way they do? Why do people act the way they do.
I will share something personal. I started "dating" a guy who I had been friends with for about 10 years. We were on the track to a possible serious relationship when all of a sudden he backed away and not too long after he tore me down and cut me out of his life. I later find out from a friend of his that he was upset I had given this friend my phone number. I saw no wrong in it considering he had decided he was not wanting a relationship or anything. Finally some months or so later we talk and he tells me that he found out he had a child he didn't know about and he just wanted to cut the whole world off. He hurt me the way he did because he really cared about me and liked me and he wanted me to go find someone who I deserved and not wait around for him.
That was in a nutshell but all I can say to that is WTF! Does that make sense? If you cared about me then why not let me be there for you. Why belittle me and make me feel like crap and then tell me it is because you cared about me. How screwed up is that? Where does this thinking come from, and why do I let it bother me? I am supposed to be on the path God has for me and it's like nonsense like this comes along and suddenly I'm off the path.
Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to be needed. Everyone wants to be cared about. But I am starting to feel like it is more trouble than it's worth. I just don't know anymore and that is what scares me because I feel like uncertainty indicates a lack of faith and a lack of trust in God. I am trusting God to lead me and guide me, or so I say. But now I have to really look at my heart and see am I really allowing Him to lead me? Or am I trying to do it myself? Self examination. Painful... But oh so necessary.

Guess You Chose 2nd Place

Did I mean so little to you that you can so easily remove me from your life?

I mean I thought we were good friends, I love you, but I wasn't trying to suddenly be your wife.

I thought we had a connection. We shared something real.

And now you just walk away leaving me confused on how to feel.

I have no clue what I did so wrong. I've tried but a reason I just can't see.

You know, but won't tell me, and you just act like you hate me.

My heart is broken. My tears won't stop pouring from my eyes.

I'm trying so hard to get you to understand, but you turn a deaf ear to my cries.

But, it's cool. I'll be okay.

I refuse to give you control over me now or any other day.

It's your loss because I am definitely a prize for any man and one day you will see.

I just hope it's not too late when you finally realize what you could have had in me.

V On Paper

When did being a sensitive person turn into something bad?
What was once a good thing now leaves me feeling hurt and sad.
Does anyone ever think before they speak anymore these days?
I am going to assume no considering peoples words have hurt my heart many different ways.
I used to accept that I was too sensitive, too touchy, and simply taking things to heart.
But, now I see there is nothing wrong with my feelings or heart other than the fact that I keep allowing others to tear them apart.
So how do I break this cycle of what seems to be endless and constant pain?
My tears seem to flow regularly on their own and I want to hide them from everyone, but since my life isn't a movie, I can't just go cry in the rain.
But wait, why should I be the one to do something? Why should I change who I am inside?
God gave me this loving and sensitive heart to do His will and that's something I can't hide.
I just wish for once people would stop and consider the impact their actions and words may have on another.
I'm not saying walk on eggshells around me, but remember what is funny or no big deal to one, may be heartbreaking to the other.
I'm always afraid to speak up and just say hey, you hurt me, or hey this is how you made me feel.
I've been called super sensitive and crybaby so long its like what I feel just isn't real.
I'm not allowed to hurt when you talk about my weight, my skin color, or especially my hair.
Tell you it hurt when you criticized my parenting, laughed at my schoolwork, or my singing, I just wouldn't dare.
If I say I feel left out, I feel alone, or even I feel replaced, my feelings get brushed off and pushed aside.
Meanwhile another piece of my heart has broken and something inside me has died.
Don't mistake my pain for a lack of faith in the Lord above.
Just because I have Him on my side doesn't mean what you say and do does not hurt, but it means I keep pressing on because of His undying love.
The words never seem to want to come out of my mouth, so I put them on paper and set all my emotions free.
At least on paper I am always respected, appreciated, and loved no matter how much I cry. At least on paper it is okay to just be 100% me.

Plug In Your Pain

I'm so tired and my head is so full. I'm trying so hard to follow God's path for me but there's just so much bull!
I don't wanna lose my focus, I don't wanna lose my way, but I also don't want to deal with this pain another day.
I have no one to talk to and I'm walking on eggshells trying to hide what I feel. I want to just let everything out but I can't even decipher what's real.
People say stuff that I'm sure is meant to be comforting and sweet. But it just reminds me how much I hurt and how close I am to admitting defeat.
Give it to God, just let it go. That is harder to do than you could ever truly know.
I have become a new me, but not in a good way. I am a shell of who I used to be but praying to feel normal again one day.
Who am I kidding, I can never be the same. But I do want to be whole, in Jesus' name.
I want to let go, trust, heal, and be free!
I want to be the me God has called me to be!
I'm going to get there one day, I pray it be sooner than later. I won't give up on God's plan for me by admitting defeat just because Satan's a hater.
I can make it; I will make it; I must make it. Because He said so.
I can't see how at this point, but He gave Phillipians 4:13 in His word and that's all I need to know.


(everyone has or has had a pain that they try to hide. A pain that seems like it's taking over and you don't know how to make it end, or how you can let it go, or how you can move on. Remember I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!!!!)